


Never Let You Go

by deNOrthernLIGHTs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Camille Belcourt Being An Asshole, Catarina Loss and Alec Lightwood friendship, Catarina Loss and Magnus Bane friendship, Childhood Trauma, Episode: s02e10 By the Light of Dawn, Guilt, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Catarina Loss, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Alec Lightwood, Worried Catarina Loss, alternative ending, post 2x10
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-10-01 17:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10194716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deNOrthernLIGHTs/pseuds/deNOrthernLIGHTs
Summary: Inspired by 'By the Light of Dawn''There was a bright light and his magic swelled on pure instinct as he threw his arms out to protect himself and then there was pain, agony that seemed to be trying to tear him apart, and fire and then - nothing at all.'After bringing Madzie to Catarina's, Magnus returns to the institute. And then he is gone without a trace. Refusing to accept that Magnus is truly gone, Alec keeps looking, but with everyone believing Magnus to be dead he turns to the one person as determined to keep hope as he is - Catarina Loss.





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

> So before this I've mostly only uploaded my stuff on FanFiction, but this site seems more active for Malec, so here I am.
> 
> I'm actually focusing on original work now, I'm working on a book, but I needed a break and after that AMAZING episode I just couldn't get Malec out of my head! So this happened and so far this story is pretty much writing itself...
> 
> I should probably mention that even though I also included the movie and the books in the tags, this is mostly with the TV show in mind.

“You'll be okay, darling.” Catarina said looking down at Madzie with fondness.

Magnus felt a responsibility to help young Madzie, the warlock had been used and cheated and Magnus vowed that he would protect her, which was why he had portaled her to Catarina's.

“Take her to the basement and put up the strongest wards you can.” He warned. Catarina narrowed her eyes.

“Is this about the Soul Sword?”

“I have to go back.” Magnus pointedly ignored her question.

“Magnus!” She grabbed his hand. Over her shoulder Magnus could see Madzie watching the exchange with wide eyes.

“I have to.” He said, but the hand tightened, Catarina's eyes were shining with concern. This was a new, uncharted territory, they didn't worry about each other, not like mortals did, but Ragnor's loss was still fresh in both of their minds and these were not normal circumstances. “It's Alec.” Magnus said staring into her eyes, willing her to understand.

Catarina's jaw tightened. “Don't you dare leave me alone in this world, Magnus.” She said and then she let go.

Magnus contemplated saying something -' _ You're my best friend', 'Thank you for being there for me.', 'Take care of yourself',  _ just in case. If Valentine activated that sword...

“Wouldn't dream of it.” He said instead. And then he was gone.

Magnus portaled to just outside the institute and ran inside without giving it a second thought. Alec was in there and Valentine had the sword and he  _ could not  _ be allowed to activate that sword. Magnus's own life didn't matter, not when it came to protecting everyone else.

Magnus quickly pulled out his phone, intending to call Alec or Clary, but before he could make up his mind the sound of distant voices stopped him and then Magnus was running again.

Magnus turned into a hallway, but there was a bright light and his magic swelled on pure instinct as he threw his arms out to protect himself and then there was pain, agony that seemed to be trying to tear him apart, and fire and then - nothing at all.

  
  


Alec felt sick, there were so many bodies, so much death and he couldn't bear to look at the faces, but forced himself to anyway.

“Where's Magnus?” He asked. Jace and Clary both seemed to tense up. “He wasn't here, was he?”

Alec's heart was racing and he suddenly felt faint, it was pure will power that kept him standing.

“-got split up.” Was all he managed to hear, but it was enough to get the message.

“Oh God.” And then he was racing out of the room, only momentarily pausing at the sound of Jace's heartbroken voice calling his name.

_ Hecan'tbegonehecan'tbegonehecan'tbegone... _

“Magnus! Magnus!” Alec ran from room to room, fighting over his nausea as he checked each lifeless body.

He didn't know how long he'd been at it when he got enough common sense to try  _ calling _  Magnus. It took his shaking fingers a few tries to unlock his phone, but then he did and he was clutching the device so hard he was a bit worried it would snap in half and  _ pleasepleasepleaseple- _

He heard Magnus's ringtone and froze. The next second he was running towards the sound, his heart in his throat.

It was a hallway and Magnus's phone was laying on the floor. Alec picked it up like it was the most precious thing he'd ever held. The phone had burn marks on the back and one side seemed to actually have been melted off, it was a miracle the thing was still working. More burn marks lined the floor where the phone had been, but no Magnus. The hallway was empty.

  
  


Alec was numb. He sat in a chair while everyone else ran around, attending to the wounded or rejoicing in Valentine's defeat.

“Alec?” Jace's voice was gentle as he knelt in front of Alec's chair.

“I checked everywhere.” Alec whispered. He stared at his hands in his lap, his fingers gripping the burned phone. “I don't understand.”

And he had checked everywhere: the entire institute,  _ twice _ , Magnus's loft, then he'd resorted to tracking and when that failed he'd found Jace and used parabatai tracking, which was so much more powerful and  _ should have  _ worked.

“We'll just have to keep looking.” Jace offered, but Alec looked into his eyes and he could instantly see the defeated look. Jace thought Magnus was dead. Alec's breath hitched, but he quickly blinked the wetness in his eyes away.

“I- I have to get out of here.” He quickly stood up and Jace followed with wide eyes.

“Ale-”

But Alec was already out the door.

He ran back to Magnus's loft, some part of Alec was hoping Magnus had somehow turned up there, but mostly he just needed to keep moving, to do something and he definitely needed to get out of the institute, where everyone regarded him with pity. Alec didn't  _ need _  pity because Magnus was alive. He had to be.

  
  


Alec hesitated at the achingly familiar door. He was out of breath, which was concerning all in its own, because he was shadowhunter, he wasn't  _ supposed _  to be out of breath.

He opened the door. The loft was empty, well almost empty.

“Hey Chirman.” Alec whispered and patted the kittens head. He sat down on Magnus's couch with a heavy thud and Chairman Mow quickly hopped on next to him.

Alec wondered if the cat could tell something was wrong, he definitely looked distressed as he stared at Alec with his big eyes.

Suddenly Alec's body shoke and a sob escaped his throat. All he could think about was how the last time they'd spoken it had been an argument. He could remember it perfectly, how Alec had snapped about the matter being family and how Magnus had flinched back.  _ He didn't get to tell him.  _ But how could this be? Magnus was immortal, indestructible, at least that's how it had always seemed to Alec. Alec was the one who would wither and die, not Magnus, never Magnus.

No, he had to do something, if there was no body then Magnus was still alive. The Soul Sword couldn't have destroyed his body, right? Leaving Alec to spend his entire life not really knowing, always wondering... no, life couldn't be that cruel.

Alec jumped up from the couch and started pacing. He had to do something, had to try  _ something,  _ he couldn't sit here wallowing while Magnus might be out there somewhere hurt or- or...

The sound of Magnus's phone ringing made Alec jump. He scrambled to reach the damaged device.

The name 'Catarina' flashed on the screen. Of course! Alec hadn't met Catarina, but Magnus had spoken of her, she was his friend, closest friend and she was a powerful warlock. After all, warlock tracking was more powerful, wasn't it?

“Catarina?” Alec asked wiling his voice not to break.

There was silence on the other end, then “Who is this?”

“It's Alec.” Alec hesitated, had Magnus told her about him? It was such a silly thing to worry about now and yet Alec felt his heart clench all the same. He was a shadowhunter, not exactly someone one would brag about to warlock friends... “Lightwood. I'm Alec Lightwood.” He added.

“Where's Magnus? Is he with you?” She sounded so concerned, so small.

“I-” He cut off and had to take a deep breath to calm himself. “I'm in Magnus's apartment. Can you come here?”

“Is Magnus okay?” She demanded.

“I don't know.” Alec whispered.

There was a pause, then “Give me five minutes.” And she hung up.

  
  


Alec was still staring ta the phone when a portal opened in the living room. For one fleeting moment, he thought it was Magnus, but then a woman with blue skin emerged and Alec's heart crumpled.

Had it been five minutes? Alec couldn't tell, he'd been too lost in his head, in the memories-

“Alec?” Her voice was gentle, much gentler than it had been on the phone. He blinked trying to bring her face into focus.

“I don't- I can't find him.” Alec said and winced at how pathetic he sounded, but pride was the farthest thing form his mind.

Catarina glanced at the phone in his hand and frowned.

“Tell me what happened.” She urged gently.

“The Soul Sword was activated and I- I looked everywhere, but all I found was this.” His hands were shaking and he suddenly felt very unsteady on his feet. A shadowhunter that's fought in numerous missions, faced down dozens of demons and here he was, terrified and trying not to pass out, his mother would've been horrified.

Suddenly a gentle hand was was clutching his shoulder, steadying him. Catarina's eyes were shining with concern and some of it seemed to be directed at  _ him _ . He must have really looked terrible then.

“Why don't you sit down.” She soothed and was already guiding Alec to the couch before he could protest. Perhaps she was on to something though, because Alec's head did seem to clear a little.

“You can do something, right?” He asked.

“I will try tracking him.” She said and gently took Magnus's phone out of Alec's hands. “But you need to rest. You won't be able to help Magnus like this.”

She was right, of course. So Alec let Chairman Mow curl up in his lap tried to relax as he watched Catarina make her way to Magnus's kitchen. She emerged a few minutes later with a mug of hot, steaming liquid in her hands.

“This will ease your nerves.” She assured and handed him the cup. For a moment he just stared at it. The drink had a nice brown color and smelled like apples mixed with something else, but Alec could recognize magic just from looking at it. He gulped the drink down without hesitation and when he looked up, Catarina was looking at him with surprise.

“Not many shadowhunters would be so trusting of a warlock's magic.” She explained in a friendly tone when she noticed Alec's confusion.

Alec opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly he felt very exhausted and before he could think of anything to say Catarina was already standing up and walking away form him.

Alec rested his head on the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling. The drink had left him warm and exhausted and soon Alec was dozing off, his mind settling for the first time in days.

  
  


Alec awoke with a start. His sleep had been easy and dreamless, but the memories crashed back as soon as his mind neared consciousness. He did feel better though, worried and terrified, but his mind was clearer.

“You're awake.” Catarina gave a weak smile. She had an ancient looking book in her lap, but now her gaze was on Alec.

“How long was I out?” He asked sitting up straighter. He noticed a blanket on his lap, and that Chairman Mow was sitting beside Catarina now.

“A few hours.” She said and when Alec's eyes widened, added “You needed the rest.”

“Have you tracked him?”

Catarina's eyes darkened. “It didn't work. There was nothing.”

“But- does that mean...”

“He could be over water, or there could be something blocking him. There are explanations” She offered and unlike when Jace had assured him, Catarina's eyes were shining with hope, so Alec nodded.

“Would you be able to track him if...” He let the sentence hang between them.

“No.” She said, her voice soaked with emotion. Alec cleared his throat.

“How do we find him then?”

“I'm going through spell books, searching for alternative tracking methods.” She motioned to her book.

“What can I do?” Alec asked desperately. Catarina seemed to hesitate.

“Take care of the institute. And of yourself.” She finally said.

“What? No. Magnus is more important.” Alec said. For the second time that night, Catarina seemed impressed.

“And he would want you to do this.” She said gently. “Besides, if Magnus was at the institute when he disappeared, perhaps you can find the answer there. I will call you as soon as I find anything.”

Alec couldn't argue with that. “I'll give you my number.” He said reaching for his own phone.

“I have your number. Magnus gave it to me in case I ever needed to reach you.” Catarina explained and Alec's eyes widened. So Magnus did tell Catarina about their relationship, not only that but he'd given her his number. “I'll call you so that you have mine.” She added.

Alec nodded and after saving Catarina's number left her in Magnus's apartment.


	2. Broken to pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a very good reason for not updating sooner, first I had family visiting and then I was having problems with my computer. Honestly, once I started actually writing I finished this pretty quickly.  
> Thank you so much for all the responses, I hope you‘ll like this chapter just as much.
> 
> A warning - this chapter contains mentions of suicidal intentions that might be triggering, please skip this chapter if you think that might be a problem.

_“You’ve reached Alec Lightwood, leave a message.”_

_“I’m sorry, Alec.” Jace sounded wrecked. “I- I thought I could stop it, I thought I was doing the right thing. You have to know I never wanted this, that I’d do anything to- “ There was a pause and then a deep sigh. “But I can’t. And you can’t live in denial, Alec. I can feel it through our bond, you know? The pain you’re going through. I’ll understand if- if you never want to see me again, I deserve it, but if not me, then talk to Izzy. Don’t isolate yourself, not now…” There was another long pause, then- “I’m so sorry.”_

Magnus was in pain. He felt like the breath had been knocked out of him, like his body was on fire. Even before he opened his eyes, he felt an overwhelming sense of wrongness.

“Alec.” He whispered, because it was the one thought that seemed to push the darkness away.

“Is that the _Nephilim_?” The voice was dark, echoing and not human. Magnus opened his eyes.

The ground Magnus was lying on was scorched and rough, the sun - dim and broken and odd, distorted figures were flying in the sky, _‘Birds’_ Magnus thought at first, but with a pang he quickly realized they were actually demons. He struggled to sit up and his breath hitched. A tall being with cold cat eyes, not unlike his own, was staring down at him with distaste.

“Father.” Magnus breathed.

The answering laugh sent a shiver down his spine. Magnus gave another quick glance around. “I’m dead.” He realized.

“Oh no, you are quite alive.” The demon said with an almost human amusement.

“I don’t understand.” Magnus could remember running into the institute, looking for Alec, then the flash of light and- “No.” A horrible realization came and Magus felt sick. Raphael, Luke, Catarina, all those downworlders, _all those lives_. And Alec, was Alec okay?

“It was quite a tragedy.” The demon agreed. “I might not hold love for my human children, but this mass destruction of the downworld, it’s _preposterous_.”

“They’re all dead then? Valentine won?” Magnus didn’t have the energy to sound hateful.

“The shadowhunter has been stopped, the Downworld lives.”

Magnus blinked in confusion and even though he didn’t trust a word his father said, a wave of relief washed over him.

“Why am I here? How- how am I alive?” He finally found the strength to stand up and fixed his father with a glare that portrayed a fierceness he did not currently possess.

“Your heritage gives you resilience against the Sword, just enough to give you a chance to reach out with your magic.”

“I did not reach out to you.” Magnus snapped.

‘No, but your magic reached out to its home realm and I, concerned with the fate of the downworld as I was, allowed you entry. Oh don’t look at me like that, I saved your life.”

“You don’t do anything without a price.” Magnus discretely tried to find his magic, but felt like he hit a mental wall. This was not good.

“You are correct.” The demon laughed. It stepped closer and Magnus fought to not flinch back. “Luckily for you, I need you to live. And I need you to stop the destruction of the downworld. Valentine might’ve been stopped, but the threat remains.” Magnus had a sinking suspicion the demon knew something he didn’t.

“So you’re letting me go?” He asked carefully.

The sinister laugh was all the answer Magnus needed.

“Silly child.” The demon grinned. “Such potential, wasted. How dare you tarnish my name with that _Nephilim_?”

“You and I must have a different definition of the word _‘tarnish’_.” Magnus couldn’t stop himself from goading.

The demons eyes burned with a barely suppressed hatred. “You are a disgrace. Tell me the Nephilim was a mistake, swear you will severe all contact with him and I might show you pity.”

Magnus hesitated for only a second. “No.” He said slowly.

“Fool.”

“Alexander is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I will _never_ apologize for my relationship with him.”

“You’d rather die?” The demon turned its head. Magnus fought to keep his composure.

“You said you needed me to live.”

“There are worse things than death. Besides, if you’re not strong enough to survive this, you’re no use to me anyway.” It hissed.

Magnus’s heart clenched.

There had once been a time when life had seemed dull and pointless, Magnus had been ready to die then, had felt like he’d done and seen everything and more. He remembered standing on the bridge, ready to take that last step, only for Camille of all people to talk him down. Even after that, most of the time he’d been going through the notions, feeling himself growing colder and harsher with each passing day.

Now was not that time. The world looked so different with Alec in it, so much brighter. How ironic, to die just as you’d found the will to live.

The demon raised its arm and suddenly a bulky and deformed shape was striding towards Magnus.

“No.” He started walking backwards, but it was no use, without his magic he didn’t stand a chance and the next thing Magnus knew, the strange demon had what was probably supposed to be arms wrapped around his head.

“Survive this and I will send you back to your precious Nephilim. Let him pick up the pieces.” His father snarled. And it was the last thing Magnus heard before an agonizing pain brought him to his knees.

Magnus tried holding on to consciousness, to the thought of Alexander, but then… he was ten again and could see the terrible expression on his mother’s face as she hung in the barn and hear the sounds of the only father he ever really knew calling him a monster, _a mistake_. It had Magnus shaking and he couldn’t hold back his screams as his head felt as if being split in half.

 

_"You’ve reached Alec Lightwood, leave a message.”_

_“Izzy told me what happened, Alec. I know you both said some things you shouldn’t have, but she’s just worried about you, we both are. How long are you going to keep avoiding us?” Jace seemed to hesitate. “I just- I-“ he huffed in frustration and suddenly there was the sound of glass breaking. “Damn it, Alec. I need you. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t lose you. Just,_ please _call me back.”_

 

Alec still half expected to see Magnus as he walked into the familiar loft, instead he was greeted with the sight of Catarina and Chairman Mow, both curled up on Magnus‘s couch.

“Hey.” Catarina greeted with a tired smile. Piles of books were spread out around her, her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail and bags colored her eyes. She looked exhausted.

“Hey.” Alec greeted quietly while pulling aside some books and plopped down next to her. They'd been at this for three days now and things were beginning to look bleak.

“How was it?” She asked gently.

Alec pondered it for a moment. He'd been at the institute. The place was a mess, everyone was still reeling from aftereffects of the Soul Sword. If that wasn’t bad enough, the downworld was in chaos and seemed to be blaming the shadowhunters. Except that Alec couldn't bring himself to care, he knew he had a duty, but every time he closed his eyes all he could see was Magnus. And he was distracted with avoiding his siblings.

“Fine.” Alec lied. “Any leads?”

Catarina shook her head. They’d tried a few different tracking spells, but so far every single one had failed.

“I just don’t understand how he could’ve disappeared.” She sighed.

Suddenly Alec’s phone started ringing. Izzy’s name flashed on the screen. Alec quickly silenced it.

“You shouldn’t do that.” Catarina said gently.

Alec knew she was right, but he couldn’t do it, couldn’t face his family while they looked at him like that and said things like _‘He’s gone, you know he’s gone.’_ Or yelled ‘ _You have to allow yourself to grieve!_ ’ in frustration. He knew they meant well, if it’d been anyone else Alec wouldn’t have doubted their death either, but it wasn’t anyone else, it was Magnus. And Magnus couldn’t be dead. Alec wouldn’t give up while there was even the tiniest bit of hope. Izzy and Jace just couldn’t understand that and Alec was too frustrated, too overwhelmed, he kept snapping and pushing them away. At this point avoidance seemed like the least painful option for everyone involved.

“I just can’t deal with them right now.” Alec sighed and to his surprise, Catarina nodded in understanding.

“I contacted a few warlock friends for help, but once I explained the situation, they told me perusing this was pointless.” Catarina’s eyes seemed glassy. “They’d rather _grieve_.”

“Do you think it’s pointless?” Alec asked hesitantly.

“No!” She blinked at him. “Of course not, why would you ask that?”

“I’m not giving up.” Alec assured. “I’m just wondering what the chances are…” ‘ _of finding him alive’_ Alec didn’t say out loud.

“Does it matter?” Catarina seemed to be studying him. She did that a lot, Alec had noticed.

“No.” Alec said simply. There could’ve been no chance at all and he still would’ve kept trying.

Catarina smiled the ghost of a smile. “Good.”

Alec stood up to go feed Chairman Mow, from the doorway he watched as Catarina continued turning the books with a look of intense concentration on her face.

Alec liked Catarina, she was caring and kind and, just like Alec, willing to do anything to find Magnus. She’d abandoned every other responsibility, warlock and mundane, and spent every second trying to find a way. Alec felt that he could be close friends with the female warlock and wished they could have met under better circumstances.

He was also incredibly grateful for Catarina’s presence. She was the only person willing to entertain the possibility that Magnus was alive and Alec really didn’t think he could do this alone.

Once Chairman Mow was eating, Alec activated his tracking rune, it was a routine now - every hour he would try tracking Magnus and each time would wield no results, breaking his heart a little bit more.

Alec felt himself once again overwhelmed with a crippling wave of despair, but before he could get too lost in it Catarina came into the kitchen.

“I’m going to run out and pick up a few ingredients for a new tracking spell.” She said and Alec did his best to force a smile.

“Okay, I’ll try going through the books.” He said.

Catarina narrowed her eyes, but after a moment’s hesitation nodded and stepped out. After he heard the front door close, Alec walked back into the living room and sat in Catarina’s abandoned seat in the middle of the spell books. She’d taught him what to look for, so at least he didn’t feel too useless. Well, he hadn’t before, but sitting here now with only Chairman Mow for company, Alec couldn’t help but wonder… It’d been three days, almost four now and they’d found _nothing_. What if there just wasn’t anything to find? What if Izzy and Jace were right?

Jace… how would Alec ever even look at him again and not see the man that killed Magnus? He loved his parabatai and knew, logically, it wasn’t his fault, but Alec didn’t think he had it in him to forgive this. And that was such a terrible thought, to lose not only Magnus but Jace right along with him.

Alec remembered feeling despair before, when he’d woken up with his hands covered in blood, when he’d watched that video of Jocelyn’s lifeless body falling to the ground, when Jace had been missing… and every time growing up when he’d thought something was wrong with him, until Magnus taught him differently. But this was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He remembered standing on that ledge, feeling like his world had fallen apart and almost laughed at how ridiculous he’d been, what had he known about misery back then?

He’d made a promise to Magnus, to tell him if things ever got that bad, but Magnus _wasn’t here._

“Alec, are you okay?” Catarina’s voice snapped him out of his dark thoughts. He hadn’t even heard her come in.

“I’m fine.” He quickly wiped at his eyes. “Did you find what you need?”

“Alec.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Alec’s voice was sharp, he couldn’t talk about it, couldn’t think about it, he just needed for her to stop _pushing_.

“Alec, I’ve seen a lot in my time and I know a thing or two about people, talking does help.” She pressed in a soothing tone, but it was the wrong thing to say.

“If you’re so old and knowledgeable, why can’t you do anything?” He snapped. He felt an only momentary flash of guilt.

“You know I’m doing the best I can.” Catarina said taken aback.

“Your best isn’t good enough!” Alec yelled and muttered _‘Useless’_ under his breath, just loud enough for her to hear. He was aiming to hurt.

And he did.

Catarina looked as if Alec had physically slapped her and it was enough to snap him out of the wave of anger.

“I-”

“Typical shadowhunter.” It was the first time Alec had seen her angry. It didn’t suit her. “This is all your fault!”

Alec froze. He could practically hear Clary’s voice, or what he had then thought was Clary’s voice, echoing the same words.

“What are you talking about?”

Catarina’s hands were balled into fists, her eyes were shining with frustration and anger. “He was safe, he brought Madzie to me and we could’ve hidden together, instead all he could think about was you!” Suddenly the fight seemed to go out of her and she was quickly blinking wetness from her eyes, her voice unbelievably small. “I _begged_ him to stay… and he ran right back to the institute anyway.”

“Because of me.” Alec finished for her, his hands were shaking and suddenly there didn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the room.

“Oh God, Alec…” Catarina was staring at him with wide eyes filled with regret.

“I- I have to-“ He started backing away.

“No Alec, I shouldn’t have said that.” She reached out, but Alec flinched back. He had done this, first Jocelyn and now Magnus. He was poison.

He bolted out of the apartment.

Alec ran as fast as his shadowhunter speed allowed him. This time Alec had no destination, he just needed to get away from there, to get away from Catarina…

Alec only stopped when he was blocks away, and only then did he allow himself to breathe in the cold night air. It wasn’t like he hadn’t known Magnus had knowingly put himself in danger, or that Alec had probably been a part of the reason why, but this… he came back, even knowing the stakes, he _came back_ and it was all Alec’s fault.

Alec sat down on a bench and for the first time he thought about a future without Magnus… and with a racing heart realized he wouldn’t be able to do it. Maybe for a little while, maybe long enough to make sure his siblings were okay… but he kept hurting people, wouldn’t his family be better off without him anyway?

“Magnus.” Alec whispered. He took Magnus’s broken phone out of his pocket and twirled it around in his hands. “I didn’t get to tell you I love you… I realized too late. And you probably thought I hated you… You probably hated _me_.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Alec took his stele out and with unsteady hands reactivated his tracking rune, simply because it had been an hour since he’d done it last. He was already disappointed at the failure before he even finished tracing the pattern.

Suddenly Alec felt a connection and he saw the bunk of a river and a small patch of trees around it – a park, it was a park and then Alec was back in his own body, staring at Magnus’s phone. It took a few minutes before his mind caught up with him. A part of him refused to believe, to react, because what if it had been a dream?

Alec jumped from the bench and then he was running again.

 

_“You’ve reached Alec Lightwood, leave a message.”_

_“Alec.” Came Izzy’s quiet voice. “It’s been days, you can’t just shut me out. I love you, you know that, right? Whatever you need, I’ll-“ She cut off. A deep breath. “I miss him too. And I miss Raphael, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, did you know that?… And Jace is a mess, I feel like I’m losing him as well. But you’re my big brother Alec, and I know you have to work through this your own way, I do, I’m sorry I yelled at you, I’m just_ worried. _Call me back, okay? Let me help you.”_

 

Alec ran so fast that by the time he reached the park he had to take a minute to catch his breath, but that was all the time he allowed himself before running towards the river.

“Magnus!” Alec yelled desperately looking around. He tried to think back to the scenery he had seen, but he just couldn’t be sure. Was he even in the right place? What if he had the wrong park?... What if Magnus was hurt and died because Alec couldn’t find him in time? “Magnus!... Please.”

Alec looked over the water, the banks, but it was dark and he’d been so distressed he’d left his witch stone at the loft. Suddenly a shape on the ground caught his attention.

“Magnus!” Alec dropped to his knees by the figure.

Magnus was lying on his stomach, his right hand was submerged in water up to the elbow, his clothes - torn and covered in blood. Hesitantly, Alec reached out and very gently turned Magnus to his back.

Alec’s heart broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am evil. On the bright side, next update will come soon because I already have a bit of the chapter written, I really wanted to update today, so I cut off a bit of the chapter to leave it at a place that felt like a good, cliff-hanger ending.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this was worth the wait.


	3. The things we lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That didn’t take too long, did it? I’m thinking there are probably no more than two chapters left.  
> Oh I wanted to address the voicemails, they’re sort of just those little things to separate scenes and don’t necessarily happen as you’re reading them. Basically they’re little glimpses into the characters’ voicemail boxes that most likely haven’t even been opened yet.  
> Also thank you so much for all the kudos and the comments, it really, really means a lot to me.  
> Okay, angst up ahead! Because of the cliffhanger I’ll start with a little reminder of the last chapter. Enjoy!

_Magnus was lying on his stomach, his right hand was submerged in water up to the elbow, his clothes - torn and covered in blood. Hesitantly, Alec reached out and very gently turned Magnus to his back._

_Alec’s heart broke._

 

Magnus was covered in cuts and dried blood, his eyes were closed and he didn’t stir at the contact. Alec really couldn’t bring himself to check for a pulse.

Instead he brought his hands to Magnus’s face, tentatively cupping his cheeks.

Alec startled at how cold the skin beneath his fingers was. “Nononono, Magnus.” He breathed, bringing his hands to Magnus’s chest and shaking him gently.

A part of him still wasn’t convinced Magnus was even there, solid and real, but what did that matter if he was dead? “ _Please_.” Alec gave a harder shake.

Magnus gasped and his body gave a violent shudder. Bruised fingers twitched and it was only Alec’s quick shadowhunter reflexes that allowed him to jump out of the way of a flame of blue magic.

Alec was breathing heavily, staring at Magnus with wide eyes. He wasn’t even upset about almost getting injured, only concerned and unbelievably relieved to finally see Magnus showing signs of life, even if it was only to attack him.

Magnus, Alec observed, had slumped back to the ground, the blast of magic seemingly having drained what little energy he had had, only his unglamoured cat eyes remained half open - glassy and unfocused.

“Magnus?” Alec very slowly inched closer. “It’s me. It’s Alec.” He tried putting himself in Magnus’s line of vision, but the (beautiful, how come Magnus never showed them to him before?) cat eyes just wouldn’t focus.

Alec fought to keep his once again increasing panic at bay and tenderly touched Magnus’s shoulder. “Come on Mag, I’m here.” He said softly. For one moment their eyes met and Alec thought he saw a glint of recognition.

“No.” Magnus’s voice was raspy and barely audible. Alec frowned, but then suddenly Magnus was violently shivering and tiny blue sparks once again danced on his fingertips.

Alec didn’t hesitate, couldn’t hesitate. After sending a silent prayer to not receive another blast of magic, he gently wrapped his arms around the warlock. To his surprise, Magnus leaned into the touch. That was all the prompting he needed, Alec carefully brought Magnus into his lap.

Magnus’s body was freezing, surely that couldn’t have been normal? Keeping one arm wrapped around Magnus, Alec fished out his phone with the other one and dialed a now familiar number.

She answered with the second beep.

“Catarina?”

 

 

_“This is Izzy. You know what to do… or maybe you don’t, in which case why are you even calling me?”_

_“Isabelle Lightwood? This is Catarina Loss, uh… a friend of Magnus Bane. I’m looking for your brother, Alec.” There was a pause. “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Alec and I’ve been… working on something together. We had an argument and I’m looking for him. If he’s with you can you just tell him that I’m sorry? Tell him to call me, just to let me know he’s alright, even if he’s angry with me…And Isabelle, I know you two had some kind of fight as well… I just wanted to let you know that Alec is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.” The voice took on a softer undertone. “He’s going to figure this out and he’ll be okay, eventually… And I might be overstepping, but he really doesn’t need you to fix him, just to support him… Goodbye.”_

 

 

Alec tightly held Magnus’s shivering body in his arms. He didn’t understand what was happening. On the one hand, Magnus’s wounds seemed to be superficial and he was alive, which was a huge, incredible relief. But he was also most definitely not okay and Alec once again found himself terrified. He couldn’t lose Magnus, couldn’t not get a chance to tell him how he felt. Couldn’t have found Magnus only to have him die in his arms.

He really wished Catarina would hurry up.

“It’s going to be okay, you’ll be okay, I’m here.” Alec murmured softly, but Magnus gave no indication of having heard him. “You can’t leave me, okay? I- I can’t- I need you, Magnus.”

Alec felt the cold seeping into his own bones, both from the ground and Magnus’s body.

He tried not to think about where Magnus could have been, he really did. But why couldn’t they track him before? And what could’ve possibly caused such a state and did the Soul Sword hurthimandohGod-

But then Magnus’s weak, unsteady hand gripped his and Alec felt his own pulse steady, and breathing became just a little bit easier.

A gush of wind and then Alec saw a portal in the distance.

He sighed with relief. “Catarina.”

“Magnus!” She screeched when she saw them. Magnus’s body twitched and Alec squeezed his arm.

“Shhh.” Alec looked at Catarina pointedly.

Catarina’s eyes lingered on the blue sparks coming from Magnus’s fingers and her whole demeanor changed.

Traces of frantic concern were still noticeable in her eyes, but her movements and posture were soothing, she was in ‘nurse mode’, something Alec had grown accustomed to during the past three days.

“Magnus, can you hear me?” She asked calmly and frowned when she got no answer.

“Should we bring him to the institute?” Alec asked.

“No… Let’s just portal him back to his loft and I’ll see what I can do there.” She looked at Alec with hesitation, as if expecting arguments. Which was ridiculous, because when it came to Magnus, why would’ve Alec trusted the institute over Catarina?

Alec nodded.

He gently shifted their position and stood up, carefully holding Magnus, who, other than shivering was completely limp now.

“Let’s hurry.” Alec urged, panic returning.

And then Catarina was opening another portal.

Alec stepped through first and found himself back in the loft he had fled a few hours earlier. How long ago that seemed now.

“Bring him to his bedroom.” Catarina said and busied herself with closing the portal while he did.

It seemed so right, to see Magnus back in his loft again, even if he was motionless on the bed. Chairman Meow brushed against Alec’s leg and jumped on the bed, staring at Magnus. The kitten nudged Magnus’s arm and then gave a meow that sounded awfully sad and Alec’s heart did a terrible lurch.

“He’ll be okay.” Alec said and picked up Chairman.

“I need you to leave.” Catarina said stepping into the room with determination.

“What? No, no way.”

“Alec, I need my full concentration. Please.” Catarina said and Alec could see the overwhelming concern in her eyes, once again reminding him just how much Catarina cared for Magnus.

“Alright.” He nodded. “I’ll be in the living room.”

“And I’ll let you know as soon as I know anything.” She said with a weak smile.

Leaving the room felt like torture, but Alec settled for sitting on the stairs in the balcony and staring at the city.

He was restless, everything had happened so quickly. Now that he didn’t have anything to occupy himself with the thoughts kept swirling in his head.

Even if he hadn’t been willing to admit it, Alec had been sure Magnus was dead. Hadn’t he been there when Valentine activated the Soul Sword?

_‘Not Valentine_ ,’ Alec reminded himself. ‘ _Jace.’_

No, he couldn’t think about that. He just needed Magnus to be okay.

Alec stared at his hands and for a moment he remembered how it felt to have them covered in blood. His heart clenched and he brought the damned hands over his face.

His phone beeped. _Jace._

“Damn it!” Alec yelled, his chest swelling with frustration and grief and he stood up, the ringing phone in his hand, and he threw it over the railing with all of his shadowhunter strength and then he stood there, gripping the railing with a death grip and breathing heavily.

And then he blinked. “Shit.”

He turned around and Chairman Meow was sitting in the doorway, staring at him. Their eyes met and never before had Alec felt so much like he was having an actual intelligent conversation with an animal.

“Shitshitshit.” He slid to the ground, his back against the railing. He let the cold seep into him, like a punishment, or maybe atonement.

And that was how Catarina found him, her expression unreadable.

“Please tell me he’s okay.” Alec begged.

Catarina sighed. “He’s alive.” She crunched down in front of him. “Come on, let’s get you inside before you freeze to death.”

They stepped inside, into the warmth of the living room. “Just be honest with me, Catarina, please.” Alec asked.

She nodded. “There’s a strange energy around Magnus, something not of this world.”

“What does that mean?”

“I can only guess.” She hesitated. “But, it would explain why we couldn’t track him…”

“What would? Just tell me.”

Catarina sighed. “I think he was in a demonic dimension.”

“That’s not possible.” Alec said slowly. “Right?”

“It shouldn’t be. Warlocks can’t travel between dimensions. But, Magnus is a very _powerful_ warlock. It could’ve been a reaction to the Soul Sword, if-“

She stared at the ground.

“Catarina.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t” She shook her head. “It’s not my secret to tell. But I imagine that if his father stepped in, it _might_ have been possible.”

“His father?”

But Catarina gave him a look and Alec decided to drop it. “Okay, well is he hurt?”

“I healed him physically, but I can sense demonic influence on him, like- like he’s been _tortured_.”

Alec flinched. _Tortured,_ how much he suddenly hated that word.

“I put him to sleep, but he’s stuck in his head. It’s like he’s trapped and I don’t know how to get him out.” Her voice was tinted with desperation.

“He’s in pain?” Alec asked quietly.

Catarina nodded. She bit her lip, her eyes suddenly seemed awfully wet. “It’s killing him.”

Alec took in a sharp breath. “We have to do something!”

She nodded quickly. “There might be something, I- I’ll have to portal back to my apartment, find the spell.”

“What can I do?”

“Stay with him. He’s asleep, it might ease his suffering, but I don’t know how long the spell will hold and I might take a while.” She put her hand on Alec’s. “Try to reach him.”

Alec could see the anguish in Catarina’s eyes. He covered her hand with his own and squeezed gently.

“I’m sorry about snapping at you.” He said quietly.

“You don’t have to apologize for that! We’re both under a lot of pressure, it’s completely understandable. _I’m sorry_ , Alec. You have to know I don’t blame you for this.”

“It’s fine.” Alec shook his head gently.

“No, it’s really not. Magnus made his own choice, I didn’t understand it before, but I do now. Magnus is very lucky to have you in his life.”

Alec didn’t believe her, but he could tell _she did_ and maybe for the moment that was enough.

“He’s lucky to have you too.” He said.

Catarina gave a small, surprised laugh. “Are you sure you’re a shadowhunter?”

A few months earlier it would’ve been an insult, but Alec knew enough by now to understand that it was probably the biggest compliment Catarina, or any downworlder for that matter, could’ve given him.

“Like 90 percent sure.” He said instead which earned him another chocked laugh.

She turned around to leave.

“Catarina!” Alec called.

She paused in the doorway, but Alec wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, it was just an impulse, some feeling in his chest. He cared about the female warlock and now that all his defenses were down, he wanted to say it out loud.

But Alec had never been good with words. “ _I’m_ really lucky to have you as well.” He said.

Catarina smiled with affection that made Alec think that maybe she understood. And then she left.

Alec hesitantly made his way back into Magnus’s bedroom.

“Hey Magnus.” He sat down on the edge of the bed. Magnus looked better, if only because he was clean of blood and all the cuts had been healed.

But that also made Alec more aware of how pale he looked.

Chairman Meow lay curled up by Magnus’s side, the kitten must’ve snuck in while he’d been talking to Catarina. Alec brought his hand down the soft fur a few times. He’d really began thinking of the cat as his own by now, which was a terrifying thought all in itself.

Alec hesitantly touched Magnus’s arm, his heart easing at the contact.

“I thought I’d never see you again.” He whispered.

Alec was still conscious of the concerning reaction Magnus had had when Alec first touched him back in the park, so he knew he needed to be careful, but-

But he’d been apart from Magnus for too long. And he’d been terrified and miserable.

So Alec slowly and carefully laid down on the bed next to Magnus and took Magnus’s hand in his own, leaving just enough space between them for Chairman. It wasn’t nearly close enough, but Alec figured it was a compromise, just in case Magnus woke up out of it again.

 

 

_“WHO DARES DISTURB THE HIGH WARLOCK OF BROOKLYN?... Okay, fine if you have this number I probably like you. Leave a message.”_

_“It’s nice hearing your voice, Magnus.” Came Catarina’s lilted voice. “I just had some time to kill while waiting for the spell to unlock my book. Since you’re listening to this it means you’re already awake and well. Really, Magnus, it’s just like you to be so dramatic.” She laughed weakly and it almost sounded like a sob. “Your shadowhunter really is quite something, you know? I think, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think him and I are_ friends _… I’m worried about him though, he’s got all this guilt boiled up.” She sighed. “Oh, the book’s ready! I’ll see you soon, Magnus.”_

 

Alec woke up with a start. The early morning sun was just beginning to rise, casting a soft illumination across the bedroom. For a moment, he was confused as to what had woken him up so suddenly. Magnus hadn’t moved from his position, which made Alec’s heart clench. And Chairman Meow was still sleeping between Alec and Magnus, so it hadn’t been the cat either.

And then Alec noticed a small purple flame on the floor. _Magic._ And not just _any_ magic. Over the three days Alec had grown accustomed to Catarina’s magic, how could he not with all the spells they’d tried to find Magnus?

_This was Catarina’s magic_. Alec jumped from the bed just as the flame died, leaving a small hard-cover book behind.

Alec grabbed it before any thought of residue magic could settle in. It had a simple black cover, no title, but there was an ancient look about it.

Something wet and sticky stained Alec’s fingers and he looked at them with curiosity. For one fleeting moment he was certain he was dreaming a terrible, terrible nightmare. One of those where Clary screamed at him until her voice was hoarse and Joselyn stared at him with lifeless eyes. But he wasn’t dreaming. He turned the book around.

_Blood._

A big smear of warm blood was staining the back of the book. A wave of dread washed over Alec and suddenly the tiny book seemed to weight way too much for his numb fingers. It fell with a thud.

He was on his feet and running towards the door before he even fully knew what he was doing, but as he wretched the door open he barely stopped fast enough to avoid colliding with a wide eyed Isabelle.

“Izzy? What are you doing here?”

But she was already pulling him into a tight hug. “Thank God, we were so worried, you weren’t answering your phone and we couldn’t find you.”

“We? Izzy what’s going on?” Alec asked, his heart hammering, but he held on to his sister just as tightly, just for a moment letting himself soak in the comfort.

But Isabelle pulled back and gaped. “So you don’t know?”

“Izzy, what’s wrong?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I know you were spending time with her and-“

Alec backed away as if stung. He fidgeted for Magnus’s scorched phone, cursing his own stupidity for breaking his own. He scrolled down for Catarina’s number, his fingers leaving smudges of blood on the screen.

“Alec, you’re bleeding!”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not-“ _It’s not mine_.

Izzy’s hands over his own stilled the frantic movements. “Alec!”

He couldn’t be right. It had to be a mistake, a misunderstanding.

“Catarina? Is… is she hurt?” He asked.

Izzy looked shattered and for the second time in one week Alec felt like the ground was slipping from under his feet.

“…remaining circle members… just found… blood… don’t know…” Izzy’s hands on his shoulders snapped Alec out of a daze. “Alec! Did you hear what I said?”

“W- where?” He stuttered.

She closed her eyes tightly, as if bracing herself. “In an alley by her apartment… It was too late. _We_ were too late.”

“I don’t understand. Valentine is gone. Why…” Alec asked.

“We don’t know.”

“No, it can’t be true. You’re _wrong_ … it’s a spell or a glamour, or _something_.” And of course, that made sense, didn’t it? Catarina was a powerful warlock, maybe she needed people to believe she was dead, maybe it was part of the spell. “I have to get there.”

“Alec…” Izzy sighed sadly.

But Alec didn’t care if she thought he was insane, or delusional or in complete and utter denial. He’d been right about Magnus and he was right about this.

Instead of trying to explain he grabbed her hand and dragged her to Magnus’s bedroom.

“What the...” Isabelle gasped when she saw Magnus.

“We found him last night. He’s… hurt. I need you to stay with him.” Alec’s gaze stopped on the book, still on the ground and as an afterthought he picked it up, willing his hands not to shake, and put it in a drawer.

“You don’t want to see that…” Izzy started.

But Alec gave her a look and she slowly nodded. “Of course I’ll stay with him.” She looked at Alec sadly.

 

 

_“You’ve reached Catarina Loss. If this is an emergency please try calling the hospital.”_

_“-“_

_“You’ve reached Catarina Loss. If this is an emergency please try calling the hospital.”_

_“It’s Alec, answer the phone!”_

_“You’ve reached Catarina Loss. If this is an emergency please try calling the hospital.”_

_“I-“_

_“You’ve reached Catarina Loss. If this is an emergency please try calling the hospital.”_

_“-“_

_“You’ve reached Catarina Loss. If this is an emergency please try calling the hospital.”_

_“_ Please _.”_

 

 

“Alec? Alec… Alec!”

Alec blinked. Jace was crouched down in front of him, his posture rigid.

Alec quickly realized he was in the institute, sitting on his bed in the room he hadn’t even stepped foot in in four days now.

“Jace?” Alec asked, trying to blink the confusion away, but it was like a cloud had settled over his mind.

“Thank the Angel.” Jace sighed. “You had me worried there for a bit.”

“I-“

But he cut off with a shuddering breath, because his hands were damp as if recently cleaned, but smears of blood were still visible.

He didn’t think about Joselyn. Or even Magnus, instead a much, much more terrifying image came into Alec’s head. He saw himself on his knees in an alley, frantically searching for a pulse, but her eyes were open and glassy and there was so much blood…

“No. Nononono…”

“It’s okay, Alec.” Jace reached out, but Alec flinched back form the touch. He didn’t want Jace, couldn’t look at Jace. But he needed him anyway.

“She was my _friend_.”

Alec didn’t think he’d ever seen Jace look so crushed.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault, if I’d killed Valentine…” Jace trailed off.

But that wasn’t right.

“But she had nothing to do with this! She wasn’t a threat to Valentine or the Circle! Why come after her?”

“I don’t know.” Jace looked thoughtful. “And they just lost their leader, awful timing to be making attacks…”

Alec’s eyes widened. “She was trying to save Magnus.”

“Wait, what?”

“Catarina wasn’t a threat, but Magnus was.” Joselyn, Magnus and now Catarina… “It’s my fault.” Alec realized.

And it was, he was sure of that. Not only because that was just what happened to people who cared about him, but because she never would’ve been a target if he hadn’t put her in that position.

“None of this is your fault!”

“I let her go!” Alec stood up suddenly. “I just let her go. Jace, we have to find out who did this, we can’t let them get away with it!” He could still see her, lying on the ground. He didn’t think that image would ever really leave his head.

“We will. They won’t. We’ll make them pay.” Jace swore. His eyes were burning with furry and if nothing else, Alec knew that his parabatai would go to the end of the world to keep his word.

“Her-“ His voice choked. “Her body…”

“You were… well you were sort of catatonic, I’m not surprised you don’t remember. But we brought her body back here and we’ve contacted the warlocks, they’ll take care of it.” Jace assured. For a moment it looked like he wanted to touch Alec, but seemed to think better of it.

“Magnus will want to-“ But Magnus was still unconscious and dying and it was another thing that was completely wrong with the world at the moment. And how would Alec ever tell Magnus about Catarina? That he let Magnus's closest friend die... “Magnus will never forgive me.” He chocked.

Jace shook his head violently and then he did step closer and grab Alec’s shoulders. “No! You can’t think like that, Alec. This isn’t your fault, Magnus will understand that. I _know_ he will.”

“He can’t even bury her.”

“Will he be okay? Izzy wasn’t very clear over the phone…” Jace asked carefully. His eyes held an ocean of guilt and Alec couldn’t help but wonder how either of them were going to survive if they just kept amplifying each other’s guilt through the bond.

He wished he could’ve told Jace it was okay, that he didn’t blame him.

But he didn’t think he could say it and mean it. And wouldn’t Jace feeling the lie through the bond be so much worse?

“I don’t know.” Alec said miserably. But then he thought of the book in Magnus’s bedside drawer. Why did she send him the book instead of trying to heal herself? _Did she know she was going to die?_

Alec did what he’d been taught to do his entire life - he pushed his pain down until all there was left was a cold, detached determination. And then he did what he had to do. “He’ll be okay.”

Alec ignored Jace’s frown and walked out of the institute and towards the place that actually felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me! I really wasn’t planning to kill Catarina, honestly I wasn’t originally even planning for her to be a part of the story. It’s like she worked her way in, becoming a bigger and bigger part of this and then that scene came to me - where she’s dying and uses her last bit of magic to send Alec the spell book he needs to save Magnus. It’s like the story demanded to be written that way!  
> I’m not quite done with Catarina yet, though.  
> Sooooo, what did you think? And how do you feel about my portrayal of Catarina? I love hearing opinions. The story might get a mind of its own again as I’m writing, but I think in the next chapter we’ll finally see the resolution to all this.


	4. Lost in what is past pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait. I can't believe it's been four months, there's really no excuse. This story has been made irrelevant by 2B, but I hope people will still enjoy it.

Alec returned to Magnus’s loft and let the door slam a little too loudly. He felt strangely calm, like there was a wall separating him from his emotions, which was good. It was the only thing keeping him together and he _needed_ to stay put together if he was going to save Magnus.

Izzy strolled into the living room. “Alec...” She started gently.

“Any change?” He asked before she could say anything else.

Izzy shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

Alec swallowed. “Thank you for staying with him.” He said tightly. “I’d like to be alone now.”

“I know that you’re upset, but don’t push me away.” She gently touched his shoulder, but Alec shrugged the touch away.

“I’m fine.” He ignored Izzy’s frown.

“Don’t do this Alec.” Izzy gave him a hard look and for some reason it made Alec think of Catarina.

He rubbed his forehead. “I just need to deal with this in my own way.” He let his eyes soften, some of the sorrow seeping through. “I love you Izzy, but please, just give me a little bit of time.”

Isabelle opened her mouth, closed it and for a moment it seemed she was somewhere else. Then she sighed. “Okay, I’ll go.” She took a step closer. “But promise me you’ll talk to me soon.”

He hesitated before nodding. “Thanks Izzy.”

“Of course.” She smiled tightly. Suddenly Alec was pulled into a firm hug. “I love you, big brother.” She whispered into his shoulder.

The sorrow Alec had worked so hard to separate himself from came rushing back and Alec greedily returned the embrace. “I love you too.”

When they pulled apart Alec’s eyes were wet. He watched his sister leave the loft with an odd uneasiness. It seemed every time he let people he cared about walk away something terrible happened to them.

Alec walked into Magnus’s familiar bedroom and for a moment just took in Magnus’s form. Pale and unmoving, worryingly thin, he looked worse than when Alec last saw him, although that might’ve been Alec’s imagination.

Chairman Meow was nowhere to be seen, so Alec let himself sink to the edge of the bed and rested his head in his hands.

“Magnus.” He whispered, not looking at the still body. “I- I’m sorry. Something happened, it’s-“ His words died in his throat. “By the Angel, if I can’t even say it to you when you’re unconscious, how could I ever say it to you awake?” He lifted his head with great effort. “I’m sorry.” He chocked. “I’m sorry Catarina.”

But it wasn’t the right time for feeling sorry for himself, so Alec took a deep breath and reached for the previously discarded book. Carefully avoiding spots of blood, Alec started going through the pages. Apparently, dating a warlock and then spending three days going through spells with another one paid off, because Alec found himself having a genuine understanding of most of the spells… if only he knew what he was actually looking for. It had to be important, otherwise Catarina wouldn't have sent it; he just hoped he’d recognize it when he saw it.

And he did. It took Alec two and a half hours of carefully going through the spells, but then one page caught his eyes. For one, it was marked as extremely dangerous. It also seemed to serve the purpose of entering someone’s mind.

Catarina had mentioned something about Magnus ‘being stuck in his mind’, so perhaps all Alec needed to do was enter it himself and bring Magnus back. That sounded easy enough.

The spell itself sounded doable as well, ingredients he was pretty sure Magnus had around the loft, also the participants had to have a strong emotional connection, which, luckily was also the case. If Alec understood correctly, all he had to do was make the potion, drink it and let himself fall asleep while maintaining physical contact with Magnus. That he could do.

The next page was full of warnings advising against the spell. If he stayed in Magnus’s mind too long, he would die. If he got anything wrong, he would die. If the emotional connection wasn’t strong enough, he would die. If Magnus fought him entering his mind, he would die.

The fact that he wasn’t a warlock and barely understood the spell didn’t help either. But what else could he do? By the time he found another warlock, it might already be too late. It didn’t matter, Alec decided. If he was going to die, then so be it, perhaps everyone would be better off anyway.

So Alec started gathering the ingredients: vampire’s fangs, Magnus’ hair and a bunch of stuff he didn’t even recognize, but easily found in Magnus’s loft.

He only really stopped to think once he had everything prepared. Alec sat on Magnus’s bed, a vile of pink liquid in hand. Was he really going to do this? Risk his life? He thought about Izzy and Jace and Max, his parents and even Chairman Meow, who would be left completely alone if Alec failed. But then his thoughts drifted to Magnus and everything that was left unsaid. And Catarina, the last time he’d seen her, walking out the door.

In the end, there wasn’t any choice at all. He raised the vile to his lips-

And he froze. Heart racing, Alec carefully sat the vile down and took out Magnus’s phone. He hadn’t bothered to replace his own.

His finger’s hesitated over Jace’s name. After a deep sigh and pressed call.

Once he finished, Alec quickly drank the potion and laid down next to Magnus. He intertwined his hand with Magnus’ cold one and then closed his eyes and let sleep take him away.

 

When Alec opened his eyes, he was standing in the middle of an empty street, rows of identical-looking houses lining each side. Storm clouds were gathered overhead, rain and strong wind creating a sense of foreboding.

“Magnus?” Alec called out and twirled around, looking for any signs of life. Truth be told, the whole place made Alec feel uneasy, especially since he probably didn’t have a lot of time. Swallowing heavily, Alec approached one of the silent houses.

By the time Alec reached the door he was soaking wet. The door easily gave way under his hand, so Alec took a deep breath and stepped inside.

The sound of rain was replaced by classical music and laughter. The room was bright, but of old fashioned design. A beautiful table held what could only be called a feast, which was being enjoyed by four people, but Alec only really saw the one.

“Magnus.” He breathed. Magnus looked very different, his clothing and hair all signaled a different era, one long past.

Alec realized he was standing in a memory.

“Ragnor, don’t tell me you sent that poor boy away.” Magnus was saying.

A man with horns, who was sitting across the table from Magnus, scoffed rather dramatically and leaned back in his chair. “Oh please, the vampire was absolutely insufferable. How did you expect me to put up with him?”

Realization set over Alec and he tentatively approached the table. “You’re Ragnor Fell.” Alec regarded the man with wonder. He’d never met Ragnor himself, and Magnus didn’t much like talking about the friend he had lost so tragically, but Alec knew enough.

A new voice made Alec tune back into the conversation. For the first time since he’d entered the room, Alec looked at the woman at the table and his heart constricted painfully. “Cat.” He said shakily.

“-ht ones who are insufferable, with all your bickering.” She scoffed good heartedly. “Remember that we are guests here.” Catarina mentioned towards the fourth person, but when Alec looked at the man, he realized his face was distorted, as if Alec was looking through a fog. Alec could not make out any defining features, not even the man’s eye color and when he opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was incomprehensible gibberish.

Now that Alec became aware of this anomaly, he realized that many details of the room were hazy as well. Washed away by time, he guessed. And yet Magnus, Ragnor and Catarina were as clear as ever. Their laughs rang around the room. This was a happy memory. A precious one. These were the two people Magnus considered his closest friends in the whole world and now they were both dead. And it was all Alec’s fault.

“Magnus, you have to listen to me.” Alec stepped towards Magnus’ chair. “It’s me, it’s Alec. You have to snap out of it.” He reached out to touch Magnus’ shoulder, but his hand went right through. The room flickered and then Alec was left alone in an empty room.

Alec closed his eyes. “Damn it.”

He rushed out of the house and stopped, caught off guard by how much stronger the storm seemed to be, how much darker everything was. Dread in his chest, Alec ran towards the next house.

He was halted by a flash of sharp pain in his head. “By the Angel.” Alec clutched at his forehead. An iritaze would’ve been nice at that point, but there was no time to dwell, so he picked up his pace again.

The other house looked just like the first one had, but when Alec stepped inside he was met with a very different image.

Loud music, swaying bodies… a party? The clothes still looked strange, must not have been recent then. Alec searched for familiar faces and suddenly wished he hadn’t.

Magnus was wrapped around a woman. Her black hair was pulled into a fancy half-updo, her fingers – on Magnus’s neck and back, exploring in a moment of passion. Alec couldn’t tare his eyes away from the scene and when the couple finally pulled apart he recognized the woman as none other than Camille Belcourt. She was whispering in Magnus’ ear, her hand tenderly stoking his cheek as Magnus nodded along.

Alec came closer, the faces of the crowd were distorted, even the music wasn’t that clear but if anything, Camille seemed even brighter and clearer than she had when Alec had met her.

Suddenly Camille was pulling Magnus through the crowd. Despite himself, Alec followed them into a private room. Thoughts, images of the _things_ they might be retreating to do rushed into Alec’s head and he considered leaving this memory, but something pulled him forward.

He was surprised when he saw a girl waiting inside.

“Magnus, I’d like you to meet… “ Camille trailed off.

“Lauren, Miss.” The girl filled in.

“Right.” Camille grinned cruelly. “Well _Lauren_ here is just dying to be bitten.” Camille touched the girl’s neck. “Aren’t you?”

Lauren nodded almost desperately.

“But I thought… we…” Magnus stuttered uncertainly, which was so unlike Magnus.

Camille laughed. “We are. It’s more fun this way, silly.”

Both Alec and Magnus flinched when Camille suddenly bit the girl’s neck. When she pulled away there was blood on the corners of her lips and the girl was gasping, but not trying to move away her bared neck.

“Have a taste, darling.” Camille said sweetly. “It’s intoxicating.”

Magnus looked sick. “I think I will pass.”

Camille frowned and then she sped in front of Magnus, embracing his shoulders tenderly. “Don’t you trust me, darling? You know I love you.”

“I love you too.” Magnus touched her cheek. “I don’t need other people, I just need you.”

Camille scowled.

“Look at you, so intense. It’s why people keep leaving you, you know?”

Magnus’ breath hitched, he started pulling away, but Camille tightened her hold. “I don’t say it to hurt you. I would _never_ hurt you.”

“Camille-“

“I love you, darling. You just haven’t learned yet, we immortals don’t get attached, we don’t _bare_ our hearts,” She leaned closer. “it will only bring you _heartache_ and _misery_.” She finally stepped back and held a hand out. “Let me show you, love.”

Magnus hesitated, but then he took Camille’s outstretched hand and let himself be pulled towards the bleeding girl.

“Magnus.” Alec said horrified.

“Go on.” Camille grinned cruelly.

Alec watched as Magnus put his lips on the girl’s neck and tasted the blood.

“Magnus you don’t have to do this.” But Alec’s words fell on deaf ears. Camille was licking blood from her own lips and then she pulled Magnus’ wrist and bit down without any warning.

Unable to watch any longer, Alec backed out of the room. And suddenly he was left standing on the street, the rain pouring and thunder lighting up the sky.

Alec stumbled down the front steps of the house. He was growing frustrated and desperate. Sprouts of throbbing in his head seemed to be coming and going and he couldn’t get the last memory out of his head.

That had been a shell of the Magnus he knew, and Camille…by the Angel, had she been like that during Magnus’ entire relationship with her? If so, just how much damage had she caused?

Alec tucked the information away for later. Right now he needed to find Magnus and get him out of this before it was too late.

Alec was going to try going into the next house, but with a start realized this house was actually in ruins, it seemed to have been destroyed in the storm. What was happening?

Suddenly the throbbing in Alec’s head turned into full-out pain and he stumbled and cried out at the sensation. Something was very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright thanks for sticking with me (despite the fact I'm terrible at updating). Oh, how amazing and heartbreaking was that 'Problem of Memory' scene? I'm in love with Malec. I mentioned Magnus' mother hanging herself back in ch 2, but now that we have the new backstory I'm definitely going to be incorporating it into the story. Next chapter, Alec visits Magnus' darkest memories and finally finds Magnus.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: InWinterHaze


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